Heart to Heart

hi friends.

I have never - not that I can remember - used this blog as a place to voice heartache. we all have our share of ups and downs, and I try to stay positive and light on the blog, because in general, I am a happy and positive person.

But life isn't always UP and LIGHT, now is it?

Inspired by the brave, heartwarming openness and honesty of my pal Nicole on her blog, I thought maybe we could have a heart to heart today.

This week has not been good. It's been downright shitty and hard and sad, and that is all there is to it.

If I could get a hug from each adnd every one of you, I really would love that this week.

Turns out the mother is not too keen on our impending nuptials. "it's a lot to take in." "it's not a lifestyle that she grew up with." and on and on.

She wants to be able to "accept" us (do straight couples need to ask for their parents' acceptance? and ask "is this OK with you?" I think not.), but doesn't know how.

And this is after we have been together nearly five years, friends. F-I-V-E.

And if we want her acceptance, I must accept the relationship that she has chosen for herself.

I was left with an ultimatum: Love and accept her partner or she can't accept mine.

In a way, I guess that makes sense. I am trying to make sense of it. I am.

But, to me, love isn't like that. A mother's love and acceptance should not be conditional.

And the condition on which this ultimatum is based is not possible for me. It's just not.

I've tried (for many, many, many, mannnnyyyyyyyy years) to get on board with her partner, to understand him, to try and see what she sees.

But in the end, I can't. I just can't do it. I don't want to get into it here, this is about me and not her partner, but this is a person who does not respect women, who uses racial slurs like he's talking about the weather. This is a person who has a fundamentally different view of the world. I lived with a very cruel, abusive man who was my mother's second husband, and frankly, I can't do it again.
I just can't.

As adults, we have the freedom to CHOOSE who we want in our lives. To surround ourselves with people who make us happy.

And this is not a choice I ever wanted to make. I have always tried to maintain a relationship with my mom, despite the circumstances, but that is not an option anymore.

This week, I feel like I lost a mother. And it's really sad. And that is where I am at.

Now the highlight of the week? Because there is always goodness and love...

C found this little gal in the road this week. She brought her home and we worked like madwomen to find her family.

Photos taken. Craig List posts made. Incessant searching on craig's list for missing dog posts with her happy face.

In the meantime, the pugs fell in love with her:

Well her family came to pick her up last night, and the little girl made us this card:

We were the "savers":

And, in the end, I am reminded that life is about love and kindness and connection. And these are the things I need to focus on.

Now who DOESN'T support us, but who lifts us up every day with love. Am I right?

Thanks for listening. Thanks for letting me have a shitty week and let you know about. it.




  1. Oh dear, I wish I could give you a hug (and I do like hugs!). Seriously nothing I can say will make this better. I also do not have a very good relationship with my mother. This is how I deal with it. I can't change her, I am not responsible for how she thinks. All I am in charge of is how I deal with the situation. It doesn't make things better but I don't blame myself for her problems anymore!
    Lots of hugs :).

  2. Amanda, I am sending so so so much love your way. Through the ethernet. Ethernet hugs.

    I know what you're going through, not being able to accept your mother's partner. My mother was with a jerk of a man who didn't respect her, did not like and thus was unkind to myself and my brother (who only lived with them every other weekend, though my brother lived their for 3 years at the end), who regularly made family events uncomfortable for me.
    After 17 years, my mother finally got the self respect she needed to up and leave him. She saw how he drove a wedge between her and her family. Kept her from enjoying the things she liked.
    After 17 years, nobody thought it would ever happen, but sometimes people surprise you.

    All that being said, I never lied about how I felt about him. I could be civil, but no more. I once went 6 months without speaking to him, but being that I was 13, nobody thought it meant much. You DO have control over who you keep in your life. But I urge you, tell your mother that it is not her you need distance from, but her partner. While it may take some time for her to really get these priorities down straight, she'd be out of her mind not to want to have some kind of relationship with you, even if that relationship is different. You're a wonderful person, and you're marrying someone who makes you happy. Someone who people are only offended by because of their sex. Not for what they say, or do, but who they are and who they love. And dammit if that just isn't cause to avoid seeing your own daughter.
    Ugh, this all made a lot less sense (and was substantially less well formed)than it was in my head.
    But I hope you're alright. It'll take time, but you'll be happier at the end of it.


  3. I'm sorry about your Mom. I know I can't say much to help with the situation, but I'm sending good thoughts your way.

  4. I send you as many hugs as will fit in this little box here! I'm sorry your mom is acting that way, I'm sure that is very heartbreaking and difficult. Love is love. And you and Cayla have true love, it's so beautiful, shouldn't that be all that matters? So, many hugs to you my dear.

    I am so happy you found the owners of the puppy and how adorable was that little girl? You're good people!!

  5. We... LOVE... YOU! Advice, an open-ear, hugs, pleasantness, and more, whenever you can!!!

    xoxo- P

  6. We... LOVE... you! Hugs, an open ear, pleasantness, good times, advice (if needed), and awesomeness to come soon!

  7. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I echo Lab Geek's advice, you can only control your own actions, so do what feels right in your heart and no more. Practice letting the rest go...

    Sending gazillions of hugs your way (where I hear it is currently SNOWING! Ack!) xoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  8. fuckkk. i'm crying in starbucks. this is the worst. so awful. i can't even imagine. you're a strong girl. and you have a strong support system. i just wish it included your mother. sending my love. and lots and lots and lots of hugs. i'm a hugger. a tight hugger.

  9. It breaks my heart to hear about your struggle with family. It's so unfortunate that a mother's love would be conditional. I wish I had some words of wisdom or advice to offer, but I don't. From a stranger in Texas, I send you my best wishes for a long and happy life with the person you've chosen.

  10. I am so sorry to know you're going through this :(. I understand what you say that a mother's love should not be conditional. But maybe, if you see it from the other side, she might be feeling the same way, too. I'm not saying her position is right, though, just trying to understand why she's demanding that you like someone you don't.

    I wish you all the best of luck and hope your mom comes to her senses ;).

    Also, what a lucky dog to have run into you guys who made it possible for her to be reunited with her family! :D

  11. So sorry about your bad week. I think that one of the hardest things to accept when you get older is that you realize that your parents are not always right. As children, we don't usually question their decisions, and it's so easy to continue to do that into adulthood. But some things like this just can't be accepted. Just know that you are not alone and you have to do what is going to make you happy and realize that's not being selfish, it's being realistic. (hugs) Everything will be ok.

  12. Sorry I missed this post...I can totally relate. Families are a strange beast--we don't choose them. So there's an inevitable tie no matter how hurtful they are (or wrong!). I just pray your mom will come around and also realize her own value. In some ways, I'm sure she's even a little jealous of you being so secure and in love with not only your partner, but with who you are. I have found that growing up and realizing I'm not responsible for my parents' problems has been one of the hardest, but most liberating things...the important thing is finding our own joys and making our own families...

    BIG hug to you-

  13. For what it's worth, MY mom is outraged by this and we are both sending love your way. Families are a tricky business, but no amount of negativity can undo the wonderful love that you've found. Cheers to that.